If I Were In The L.C.C.
by Dan Lipton & Harry Lauder
submitted by James Hutton
 

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In Scotland I am famous as a County Councillor,
But on the London Council I should sit,
I don't say I'm a marvel, but I could improve this town,
When I'd one, you'd think and earthquake had struck it,
First I'd sack the "swads" at Whitehall with their metal polish'd chests;
They are guards, but still they've no regard for us.
They've each a horse to sit on, but why can't they sit on chairs?
We could hire the horses out to pull a 'bus.

Chorus 1
If I were a member of the L.C.C.
I'd make improvements for the State.
I would take the aquarium from where it stands,
And make it hold the fish at Billings gate.
I would take Hyde Park, and hide it someplace else;
If the King's Cross, well, I'd be as cross as he.
I'd get a crutch for Lambeth Walk
because it cannot walk at all,
If I were in the L.C.C.

Verse 2

I'd let St. Paul's Cathedral, 'cause St. Paul don't live there now,
I'd put more mud in the Thames and make it dry.
I'd break Cle'patra's Needle, it's no use to stitch your clothes,
It's blind - you can't thread thread where there's no eye.
Then I'd sell the blooming lions that are in Trafalgar Square,
'Cause Nelson's up too high for them to watch.
If Ireland's for the Irish, as the agitators say,
Well then Scotland Yard it must be for the Scotch.
 

Chorus 2
If I were a member of the L.C.C.
No doubt something great would be revealed.
You can't play at marbles with the Marble Arch,
And Waterloos's not like a battlefield.
And Brixton's not a place for making bricks,
And there's no battercakes at Battersea;
Then I would muzzle Houndsditch
because it's going to the dogs,
If I were in the L.C.C.

Verse 3

What's the good of having Rotten Row in such a rotten place?
Oxford Circus ain't much like the Hippodrome.
The King's boss of the Empire but his name's not on the bill,
And the Strand's not like a beach down by the foam.
And I'd sell the bally Serpentine, 'cause it can't dance at all;
But I'd like to own the Bank with Leicester Square,
and Madame Tussaud's figures I would put in Parliament,
What a novelty a "dummy" would be there!

Chorus 3
If I were in the L.C.C.
I'd make great improvements smart and nice;
I would shift Covent Garden, 'cause there's no garden there
Nothing ever grows there 's cept the price.
The "Elephant" I'd take it from the "Castle" to the zoo,
What an alteration there would be!
I would take the tram-cars off the road
And I would run them on the line
If I were in the L.C.C.

Note: the sheetmusic is very old and yellowed.

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